Tova’s Story

This is #mybumpystory - an emotional rollercoaster with repeated miscarriages and hopefully soon a baby. It actually feels like my journey started many years ago when I first became pregnant, which wasn’t planned. My partner didn’t feel ready. We decided to get an abortion and after I went through with it the longing of becoming a mother grew stronger. I was angry at myself and terrified that the abortion would somehow punish me in the future.

In the summer of 2020 we both felt ready and I became pregnant. That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. Two months later I became pregnant once again, but it also ended in a miscarriage. I remember thinking that maybe I am being punished after all. Googling became an obsession. I was googling several hours a day. Why is this happening to me?

I got pregnant again. This time I got progesterone and blood thinners to take and in week 8 we saw for the first time a heart beat but sadly it stopped a week later. I got pregnant again a few weeks later. But in week 11 I had yet another miscarriage.

Around this time I went through every type of medical evaluation available. Everything was normal and I was told there was nothing that could be done. I felt alone and scared. IVF wasn’t an option according to the doctors since I had no problem getting pregnant. I called Huddinge reproductive medicine clinic in Sweden to ask if we could do PGD testing (genetic diagnosis of embryo). But they declined. Instead I was told to keep myself occupied with something else and put our efforts on hold for a while. How does one do that? Maybe I told others that I was over it, but I was still obsessing and felt devastated. Every time I was ovulating I felt crazy and depressed.

After this I got pregnant again. I decided that this time around I wasn’t going to take any medicine and not contact my doctor until a bit later in the pregnancy as my mind was still set on a miscarriage. I am now in week 31 and over the moon.

To those of you who are still struggling: you are not alone! There are so many of us out there that are going through a bumpy road. We just need to get better at talking about it.

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